It can be said that vulnerability is the only bridge to build meaningful connections. Being vulnerable often times is seen as weakness and I definitely will say that I am someone who struggles with being vulnerable.
Within vulnerability, there is a fear and uncertainty that I think no one cares for. It’s like laying all your cards on the table before strangers. You don’t know how you’ll be perceived. You don’t want to appear weak. So, what do you do? You deflect. We tend to ignore our feelings and portray what we think is strength. We put on a mask of what we’d prefer the world view is as. Some people rush to humor and others feel safe by being cold. Either way, we are going out of our way to disregard our vulnerability.
Vulnerability is the birthplace of authenticity. Our most vulnerable state represents our most authentic and unfiltered self. It’s scary, I’m learning. I have deflected my vulnerable self by both using humor and acting coldly toward others and it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating because you know inside that what you are putting out is the polar opposite of how you really feel. However, it just seems easier. Truthfully, it very well may be.
The problem is that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can’t say, here’s the bad stuff. Here’s vulnerability, here’s grief, here’s shame, here’s fear, here’s disappointment. I don’t want to feel these. You can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable.
The scariest part of being vulnerable, to me, is learning just how vulnerable you really are. An example of this is I don’t like to cry. Why don’t I like to cry? -Because I fear that I will never stop. It seems ridiculous, I’m sure. However, in some instances, that has been a real fear. So, in those instances, I make myself turn off certain feelings in order to keep my composure. Another reason that I struggle with vulnerability is the lack of control. I feel like by allowing someone in and giving someone a part of myself, they’ve gained some sort of power and that, in some ways, has cost me to lose some control. Now, I’m aware that my reasoning is fairly lame, but I feel like I’m not alone in my thinking. I often wonder if my issues with vulnerability will cause issues with my love life? -Or if it’s the same for everyone? -Or if this will always be a constant battle?
I bet you’re the prettiest at 12 am, when you’re scared, and sad, and you just need someone. This is when you’re the prettiest because it’s when you’re the most honest.
The irony of all this vulnerability talk is that although I know I have issues with being totally transparent with someone, I yearn for a future companionship that allows me to be most vulnerable in it. I truly want to be in a relationship where I can be my unfiltered and uncensored self and be comfortable. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect vulnerability to just become a second skin to me overnight. However, I do think by sharing with you guys, I can gain more insight.
Share your heart with people, even if it’s broken.