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The Best Thing I Never Had

Best Thing I Never Had, 

I never forgot about you, if that’s what you think. I actually think of you from time to time. I wonder if you’re okay. I even pray for you, your health and happiness. For the longest, I would ponder over what we could have been until I realized it no longer mattered. Then, I went on to wonder why you even happened to me if nothing would come from it. I never got a clear answer on that because no one knows why we encounter the people we do throughout our lifetimes. I’ve chosen to think of you as my first glimpse of the type of love I could give. I mean, I loved you beyond myself at a young age. I held you up on this pedestal. I thought of your well being at all times, sometimes at my own expense. I was willing to sacrifice, bend, compromise, and grow with you. I would always think to myself, he’ll be mine one day or it will all come together and he will reciprocate someday. Until I realized, you wouldn’t and to some extent, you couldn’t. To realize that the amount of love you have for another person isn’t equal to the love they have for you, let alone themselves, is mind boggling. It’s disappointing, disheartening even. Nonetheless, I am thankful for your presence within my world, showing me that not all fairytales come true. You represented so many things for me, taught me a lot. You most certainly showed me that communication is everything and that I need to always voice what I want and not leave so many things unspoken. I want to apologize to you for never blatantly telling how I felt or where I stood because I was naive. I also want to beg your forgiveness for making this intangible, fictitious happily ever after out of the two of us. I also wanted to let you know that I forgive you for not living up to what I’d hoped you’d be. Don’t get me wrong, I am positive that you will grow into a phenomenal man, if you haven’t already. I always knew you’d be a great husband and father to someone. Hell, why do you think I chose you out of all the guys I knew? -Just knowing that the woman that will get to rush home to you after work on Monday morning five years from now isn’t me was quite a struggle. Then, I reflected on the darker memories I had of you that I tried to forget. They were so far and few that the whirlwind of goodness you shared with me drowned them out. Nevertheless, they happened. I can remember always feeling like you never truly saw me. You never fully matched the love I had for you. In fact, you disowned the affection that I knew was there, somewhere beneath the surface. I still salute you, even for that, because I realize that neither one of us meant to hurt the other. It was you who showed me what kind of lover I am or will be one day. That fact that I still wholeheartedly loved you without that steady reciprocity shows the authenticity of my affection. You awakened something within me that I still can’t turn off. Overall, I wish you well and I thank you. It sucks that we could never be, but I hope I impacted you because you certainly impacted me. Our friendship, organic, and whatever it is that we were to one another remains beautifully sketched in my mind. Rather than questioning why you did the things you did or why I did the things I did, I have decided to be done with the question of you. The man that holds my heart and touches my spirit is somewhere out there and he’s not you and the woman you belong with, she isn’t me, and I’m okay with that. In fact, I celebrate that. I don’t want you to hate me, I want you to remember our good times. I never meant you any harm. I never disliked you. I never even was upset by you. I LOVE YOU. Still, the fact remains true. However, that love has now taken on a different meaning. I love your being. I love the person that you were when I was close to you. I pray that he’s still apart of you and I loved him so much that I want to pose a question to you, for his sake. When we were what we were, it always seemed as though you thought highly of me, sometimes too high, as though I were too good for you. In contrast,  I never felt like you weren’t enough. In fact, I always prayed I would be enough to satisfy you. Looking back, I don’t think the problem was me. I think it was your insecurity. If you held me up on high and thought my love to be heaven’s equivalent, why did you do everything in your power to escape it. WHY DID YOU DENY YOURSELF HEAVEN? Why did you deny your entry into a position set aside for only you? -It’s funny when you word it like that, isn’t it? I’m not sure if I was too much for you or if what the two of us could be scared you, but at some point, you pushed me away. If its worth anything, we scared me too. I, sometimes, denied myself you by leaving things unscrewed. Out of my own reservation, I allowed myself to become a prisoner of words unsaid and feelings unexpressed. Nonetheless, I thank you for what you were to me, reassuring me that I am a prize for someone to cherish. I even thank you for graciously stepping down because you knew deep down that the man for me was not you. It takes a big man to do what you did for me. Always know that I love you, even still. I love who you are and who you’re becoming, at least from what I can see. Although I never quite had you, I will never forget you. Believe that! You will remain the best thing I never had. 

Meah Jay

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